I write for You

I write, I write, I write for you

Too late for rehearsal

Too late to review

I sit here waiting confused and blue

Like the colour of the sky I weep for you,

Can I go deeper, deep as the ocean is blue

Deep enough to make this world brand new.

New feelings new emotions

Look upon the horizon, New stars ahead.

Twinkle Twinkle lay up in the sky

Lay Twinkle Twinkle stars a gazing, my eyes fixed upon them like a neon sign.

All Words Written by Evelyn Wayde © 2019 – 2020

Educating Myself on Narcissistic Abuse, Began to Set Me Free

She wept, as she handed him her Heart, she wept, as he stole her besotted heart, she wept for her torn broken heart, she wept putting back the pieces of her heart.

E.Wayde ©

 

When I first left the relationship with the ex-psychopath I was at such a low place within myself and within so many other aspects of my life, it felt like my starting point to heal was at less than zero. I felt like healing or seeing any sign of it was totally out of my reach. There was so much work to be done and I had no clue where to start. I felt broken and striped of any self-confidence, my startle response was through the roof, I was anxious, shaky, depressed, forgetful, due to temporary short-term memory loss and I was suffering from acute Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The reason I am telling you all of this is because I want to try and give you a clear picture of where I was in my life and within myself and just how far I have come.

As a women, a mother, a friend, a sister and as a human being I thought I was finished, used up, ready to die, completely broken and unworthy of anyone’s love including my own. I was in a state of the unknown feeling completely afraid of life, people and places and I had even begun to think I may have incurred a brain injury from all the physical and psychological abuse and torture that had been inflicted upon me. I didn’t find enjoyment in the things I used to love to do anymore and the thought of continuing on my own was so heartbreaking and soul crushing, it was excruciatingly painful, and my entire body ached for my abuser, for the love and the life he stole from me and for the love, the life and the home we had promised to each other over and over. However sick this may sound to some, I believed him to be the love of my life and I was so addicted to the abuse cycle and my abuser I couldn’t and I didn’t want to imagine a future without him.

I started reading everything I could find on all different topics ranging from domestic violence to Stockholm syndrome, PTSD, trauma bonds, healing after abuse, Psychopaths, Narcissists, Sociopaths, psychological abuse, psychological grooming, intermittent reinforcement, co-dependency, addictive behaviours, biochemicals in the brain, the brain, the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, brain traumas, healing from brain traumas, meditation, adrenal fatigue. I couldn’t get enough information, and the more I read the more I felt and believed education was a key component to setting me free from a past that felt so sickening addictive and still so familiar to me.

Day and night I submerged myself in learning about what had happened to me and who my abuser really was. I began to learn the language of a Narcissistic abuse survivor. I remember the day I learnt the concept and definition of cognitive dissonance, a term that was completely foreign to me. I had never heard of cognitive dissonance before, what a revelation and a mind blowing one at that. If you’re not familiar with this term it is when we hold two opposing beliefs about one person or thing, on one side we may believe we have been in a relationship with a man that loves us, but on the flip side we know that he has been repeatedly hurtful and abuses us. It is extremely painful emotionally and psychologically to keep these two opposing beliefs and over time can cause what’s known as splitting or fragmentation of our psyche. We want so badly for our partner to be loving that we justify and make excuses for their continued appalling behaviour and abuse, allowing ourselves to put up and cope with the relationship we are actually living in and accepting.

To be continued……

~ Words By Evelyn Wayde ©

Allowing Ourselves to be What We Need

I will take this time today to be with myself, to sit with myself and to support myself in whatever ways I may need.

E.Wayde

This week has been in some ways very exciting yet emotionally turbulent for me at times after the publication of my intro last week. It has also been a week of feeling into a more exposed and vulnerable side to myself. You see I want so badly to be able to deliver on last week’s introduction of my set intention to deliver wisdom, guidence & support to others after abuse, that I have felt frozen in any attempt I have had to write from an authentic heart space until today. This morning I have put my focus on gentleness, practicing patience and kindness with myself like I would a child, a friend and even people I don’t know.

You might think…. what does gentleness kindness and patience with oneself look like.?? For me this morning it was waking up slowly, making myself a pot of tea, allowing myself to be in my pj’s until after midday, allowing myself moments to cry when emotions came up and speaking softly and kindly with myself to comfort the emotional pain I was feeling. I’m not going to share with you why I was feeling so fragile this morning, I might save it for another post in the future, but what I really wanted to share with you today is my very real and personal experience of how I am learning to be whatever I need, in any given moment. Allowing myself to be me, by showing up for myself and giving myself whatever support I need in the ways I need it.

It may not always be obvious to us what our needs are, especially when we may have come from a past of abuse, but it is essential and necessary for us to start taking the time, to quieten our minds and practicing listening to our own inner wisdom, our bodies and our inbuilt guidance system, our intuition. When we practice taking care of ourselves like many of us have done for so many others throughout our lives, something beautiful and real begins to evolve from within. It’s like a blooming or blossoming of ourselves that we get to experience and for some of us it’s for the very first time.

Our road to recovery and healing is not for the fainthearted, but I guarantee you, if you choose to come on this journey you will not remain the same person you remember from your painful past. Like you and so many others I have chosen this road of healing and recovery out of necessity, out of a place of self-preservation and survival. I didn’t want to die by my own hands nor by the hands of another, and believe me when I say I have been way too close to both.

On my journey so far it has been through reading, educating myself, perserverance and developing a relationship with myself, that I have never experienced before, which has allowed me to begin the process of transcending my past. I didn’t want to go back there to a place of darkness, grief, pain and dispair, because I had felt enough pain and abuse for three or more lifetimes. So each day for me is this new found freedom and each day is precious, it’s a gift to learn something new about myself, the world, humanity and the universe. Today I dare you to give yourself permission to do and be whatever you need in this moment…. I am absolutely not condoning addictive behaviours, selfharm, or being critical of oneself or passing judgement onto others. I am saying let’s give ourselves a safe environment to practice being gentle with ourselves and to listen to what arises from a place of self-kindness, and maybe we might even see a glimpse of self-love.

All words written by ~ Evelyn Wayde © 2020

The Journey to Our HeartSpace Begins

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness, It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

Mary Oliver
~Photography by Unsleshed Sourced via Pixel

Part of My Story – Take One

Just over three years ago I escaped from an extremely violent and emotionally abusive relationship with a Narcissistic Psychopath. I am now not only here as living proof as an abuse survivor, but of a women who through every single adversity life has thrown her way continues to rise up to greet her emotions, her heartaches and her pain in a hope of creating a life filled with joy, love, laughter and a sense of peace.

I am more than a survivor, I am here to share my story and to encourage, support and hopefully inspire those of you who have also experienced pain and suffering from toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, addictions and hidden familial abuse. My primary focus of creating my blog is to bring further awareness to hidden abuse along with advocating self-care practices through putting a strong focus on life after abuse and what this looks like. Please come with me on this journey of self-healing and self-discovery.

All words written by ~ Evelyn Wayde © 2020